Wouldn’t it be great if all of our interpersonal communication went smoothly? What if your colleagues always gave and received feedback gracefully? What if you always knew just what to say at those after-work mixers? What if running into a co-worker at your child’s soccer game was always a happy moment?

With strong emotional intelligence, we can better navigate social situations and improve our relationships. Psychology Today defines emotional intelligence as an aptitude for identifying and managing your own emotions, and the emotions of others.

According to Lifehack, “Those with high Emotional ‘IQs’ have been proven to enjoy more prosperity in life. Whether they’re in a social or professional environment, they thrive. Studies demonstrate they have fewer mental-health issues, including depression and anxiety.” Some experts refer to an “EQ” in addition to an “IQ.”

Follow these 8 conversation suggestions, and practice them. By doing so, you will exercise your emotional intelligence “muscles” and become more adept at social interactions.

 

1. Listen, Listen, Listen

Instead of worrying about what to say or not say, let the other person speak. Actually hear what he or she is saying. Ask questions that take the conversation deeper. For example, if a colleague says, “I’m preparing to go to X conference next week,” ask “Have you been to it before?” As you listen, watch their body language and notice the tone of his or her voice. Assess how open and comfortable this person is with sharing.

People like to be heard, and listening is the way to get to know them. Rest assured that your turn in the conversation will come. Or, if the person never does let you get a word in, then you may realize this is not someone you want to spend time with. When you do the talking, remember to keep the rest of these tips in mind.

 

2. Avoid Overly Personal Observations

Unless someone is a close friend or family member, they don’t want to know that you’re noticing their weight, the bags under their eyes, or their foul mood. You might feel that you’re showing sensitivity by saying things like “You look tired,” or “Have you lost weight?” Instead, it comes across like you think they look bad (in the former example) or they used to look bad (in the latter). After all, you probably prefer that people not judge you on your looks, and they feel the same. Instead, keep your comments more general. Try saying, “How is your workload these days?” or “You look great!” Then, if the person feels comfortable, he or she might offer more information, which can lead to an honest, judgement-free conversation. If they stop at “fine” or “thank you,” then move on to the next topic.

 

3. Avoid Absolutes

Couples counselors tend to teach this one. Absolutes or “universal statements” cause tension. Beginning sentences with “You always…” or “You never…” will only make you a liar. Few things in life are matters of “always” or “never.” This scenario may present itself when you’re providing feedback to a colleague or direct report. If you need to point out a pattern of behavior to make your point, arm yourself with facts. Say something like, “On project A, and again on project B, you missed your deadline by more than three days. On project C, you missed it by a week. I’d like to find a solution to this problem before it continues.”

 

4. Avoid Assumptions

Never presume to know someone’s marital status, sexual/gender orientation, or family structure. Until you know a person’s situation, anything is possible. For example, make a “take my wife… please” type joke and you might learn that the person just lost his spouse. Not everyone chooses to get married or have kids biologically. People adopt, foster, or raise their grandchildren, and they do these things alone, or in all configurations of family. Instead of assuming, ask questions. Try things like, “Do you have kids?” or “How does your family celebrate the holidays?” Take a genuine interest in hearing the answers.

On a related note, never assume that a husband and wife share a last name. Many married women keep their names, and some spouses take each other’s names so that both of them use hyphenated monikers.

 

5. Avoid Gossip

For some people, gossiping come naturally. According to Yoga Journal, “Gossip is one of our most widely shared — and, often, most unconscious — addictions.” You may have to practice at home, and ask someone close to you to point out when you do it. Sharing good news is one thing: “Sally just accepted a position at X, Inc.” Don’t, however, speculate beyond the facts. Stop short of saying something like, “I heard she really had it out with her boss at her old job and couldn’t stand to be there anymore.”

 

6. Avoid the Mother of All Qualifiers

The words “for your” usually turn a compliment into an insult. Take, “You look great for your age.” Dr. Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, explains: “Using ‘for your’ as a qualifier always comes across as condescending and rude. No one wants to be ‘smart for an athlete’ or ‘in good shape relative to other people who are also knocking on death’s door’.” Instead, just pay a compliment. Or, if you must, turn the qualifier back on yourself. Try, “Congratulations on running the marathon. I run about five miles a day, which I think it pretty good for my age.”

 

7. Avoid Sarcasm

This is another tough one. We live in a cynical world, to quote Jerry Maguire. Sarcasm is embedded in our language. Not only does constant sarcasm make you sound petty or bitter, it can cloud honest goodwill. Realize that the simplest sentiment — “Good luck,” for instance — can sound completely different with the slightest tone of voice change. Ditto for “It’s up to you,” or “That sounds like fun.” If people observe you using sarcasm in everyday conversation, they may not know how to respond when you say something potentially ambiguous. If they see you as sincere and positive, they will know that “good luck” just means that you wish them well. Better yet, just say “You’re going to do great.”

 

8. Avoid the Biggest Taboos

To some people this is obvious; to others it is not. Do not ask someone their age or weight. Just don’t.

 

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